What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 02:22
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why does it matter so much to atheists that God doesn't exist?
I was scared of men, in general
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I said to her
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My family never makes their pension either.
What is truer than that which is true?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Comes on , in middle age.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I waited trembling.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Would you date/marry a guy younger than you? If no, why not?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was very sick at this time too.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So whats the point in blame.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But, we were locked up after school.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was 9 years of age.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I write beautiful poetry .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
All the time i was locked up.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Who then, do I blame.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He knew the spot.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im still living with it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It was going to be , some day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were not on the streets..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What did i know ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it wasn’t much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Put me off passion for life!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ive learnt so much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot live in the past .
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I don,t even have a pension.
She married twice! .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We all went to grammer schools
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I have no regrets .
She was in good health!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
The only rule us 5 kids had .